I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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