Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i now understand why vodka
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
