so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
