i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
