Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
