I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
