My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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