I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Bring me that man meat
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
