took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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