My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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