How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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