I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
