this beer tastes like vomit already
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
