My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
