I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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