You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
