this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
