Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
