I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
