Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
