Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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