Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
