That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
