So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
