Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
