Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
