I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
