If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
