Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
