You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
