Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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