I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
