I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
