I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
