How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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