I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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