we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
