i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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