Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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