I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
