well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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