I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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