i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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