I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
