mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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