just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
