I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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