Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
