New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
