zippers are such a cool invention
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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